Hey Guys. I want to clear a few things up. In regard to my post last night, I kind of thought about it more and I think what I was trying to say is that sometimes, any form of ‘uncertainty’ sets off a whole boat load of other doubts in my mind…. and all of those other doubts are completely un-related to what I was feeling uncertain about to begin with. I think that this is partially how my eating disorder started — I was consumed with complete uncertainty about my weight and my future college career, which in turn set off years of restrictive eating and way too much exercise. Yesterday was filled with uncertainty for me in terms of a few different things going on in my life which all led to my mind spiraling out of control with excessive thoughts of ‘who am I and where am I going?’. I’m still feeling traces of these thoughts today, but I am trying to remind myself that I will never have all of the answers.
That is something else — having all the answers. Why do we tend to want them all anyway? That doesn’t even seem like much fun. I’ve always been a ‘I want this and I am going to get it now’ type of person. That’s good and bad. It’s a character trait that sometimes drives me crazy.
When I read back to myself some of the posts’ I have written on this blog, I sometimes think ‘Damn Steph, you are one crazy chick’. But that’s really not the truth. I cant be that crazy to have realized years ago that I had a terrible eating issue and took it into my own hands to solve it. I cant be that crazy to sometimes realize that I feel like I’m having a mini panic attack and instantly begin to think of the best way to calm myself down. I’m actually doing okay. While things seem a little ‘off’ or ‘uncertain’ right now, I’m actually dealing with things okay. Which is a lot more than I can say a few years ago.
The hard truth is that we cannot control everything in our life; both big and little. We cannot control our families moving on, we cannot control (sometimes) how we feel about ourselves, we cannot control certain foods being served at parties, and we cannot control how others view us. When I was suffering with an eating disorder and was down to 89 pounds, I felt like a circus freak with all of the stares I got. People would ask my mom if she was crazy for letting
me go to California for college during this time in my life. The truth is is that I went to California before everything got so out of hand and happened to suffer with the problem from 3,000 miles away from home. The ED was no one’s fault and was something I couldn’t control—it was completely out of control.
During the years of my ED I literally felt like I was floating. I didn’t feel a thing. I didn’t like music anymore (which I’m obsessed with… more specifically, ‘Call Me Maybe’–please download it), I didn’t like socializing (I freakin’ love going out now), I didn’t like family/friends, I didn’t like food, I didn’t like my then-boyfriend (which is something I’ll maybe always feel guilty about but am trying to get over that), and most importantly didn’t like myself. I was just floating from day to day–working out, eating as little as possible, and trying to maintain straight A’s. I am so confused as to how I did it. Present-day, when I don’t eat every five hours I become an irritable bitch. So imagine basically not eating all day? Who would really like me? I sure as hell wouldn’t.
I now love so many things. I love love love my family and friends. I love my career and know it’s going to be great. I love my curves–I know they’re sexy! I love food and I love cocktails… a lot I love music. I love exercising in moderation. I love dating. I love blogging. I have my passions back. I have to remind myself of everything I love when I feel low and have a ‘trigger’ moment. I’m not being crazy, I’m just being honest.
I think that I’m just trying to help others at this point in my life. I have, for the most part, truly and completely packed up the part of my life when I suffered with an ED and have compartmentalized it somewhere else in my mind. I can’t dwell on it and wish it didn’t happen… because it happened. I just want other people to know that when the the going gets really friggen’ rough and you feel completely low, you CAN actually turn it back around. It took me about 4-5 years to make a complete full circle from 89 pounds to where I am today (I choose not to weigh myself present-day because that’s one less thing I don’t have to craze myself with). I’m not meaning for this to be some sort of inspirational speech. I just wanted to clarify where I currently am in my life after yesterday’s post. I want everyone reading to know that traumatic things have happened to me and I’m actually still standing and laughing whenever I get the chance.
Before ending this post, I want to thank four really special people in my life for sticking by me through all of my crap. I know they’re all reading this, so I feel it necessary to just say a quick, ‘I love you’. Gillian, my sister, who didn’t have me as a big sister to look up to during those really bad years–if I could take back that pain you experienced, I would. But at least we have now to make up for it. One of my best friends Rebecca for being my sound board during every turn in my life. We have disagreements and laughs and that’s what true friendship is; honesty and fun. My friend Jenn for constantly helping me to look at things with a fresh, positive perspective. No matter what the situation is I’m always able to kind of tilt my head and think, ‘huh, this makes more sense’, because of her. And my amazing friend Alexis who has known me since I was about 12 years old. No one tried to intervene more as a friend than Alexis during the years when I suffered with an eating disorder. She has seen me through every weight, every battle, and all of my lowest points and yet I never felt she was judging me. She’s always cheered me on.
I’m so lucky to have this blog and have the readers I do. I appreciate you all and hope that maybe this post has opened your eyes to what it is to ‘move on’ in your life after things had once been devastatingly bad. If anyone ever needs to reach out to me and is struggling with an eating issue of their own, PLEASE do not hesitate to email me (StephSnacks@gmail.com). I’ll do my very best to help you and listen.