“Remember, the past is over, and the future hasn’t happened yet”. This was a recent line from my horoscope the other day (yes I love reading my horoscope and while I don’t read it every day, I totally believe in the stuff!). So far, this Summer has been so much fun for me. I went away to the beach for Memorial Day Weekend, my room mate and I hosted a great party in early June as well as a 4th of July party, I went to Aruba for a week with my friends, and went to the beach again this past weekend. I’ve been trying more and more to be conscious of living in the moment and stop worrying about my past and future. I don’t really concentrate on the present enough–which I think is something everyone struggles with a little bit. It seems like kind of a strange practice, too… why do we have to work so hard on being present? Why can’t we just… do it? I don’t really know.
I don’t like dwelling on the past. I don’t like thinking about what could have been or what should have been or what I wish would have happened. I think I’ve been doing it–’dwelling’ or thinking a little bit lately–but luckily the Summer has allowed me to spend more time outdoors, or after work with friends, or at the beach on the weekend. Sometimes the past follows you a little bit–for instance, I know I have mentioned it before on the blog, but if someone brings up when I struggled from an eating disorder (ED) or asks about it, I have to be willing to open myself up. Luckily I’m a person who loves to talk, laugh, and just interact with people in general so I’m able to deal with it. However, there are other situations from the past that can be left there and need to be. I can’t move forwards if I am thinking about the backwards.
Recently, a few things haven’t panned out the way I expected. Bummer? Totally. End of the world? Nah. Sounds simple when I say it that way, but it’s not how I feel sometimes. Recently, I’ve been thinking about recent or not so recent past situations too much. I expressed on the phone with my mom the other day that I was totally annoyed and sad about how different I look from two Summers ago. Don’t get me wrong, I have to say that I really like how I look now. Strong and athletic is better than skinny and starving. But it’s confusing and sad to look at pictures from when I was what I thought was ‘perfect’ and realize it was something I just couldn’t maintain. I’ve looked so different from 2007-2012 that it boggles my mind. I can’t even begin to understand what it must be like for others around me. But I can’t really worry about that.
So basically, after all this rambling, I think what I’m trying to realize, accept, and own at this point in my life is that for a 24 year old female, I pretty much have my shit together and need to let everything or everyone go that hasn’t been able to be what or who I need. There is only so much we can all control in life. We can’t control what other people around us do or how others choose to act, but we can control how we react and we can choose to move forward if that’s what we want. Life is up in the air sometimes. It’s sad, it’s extremely fun, it’s scary, it’s boring, it’s fucked up, it’s fantastic. But I don’t want to have to concentrate on being in the present…. I just want to be there without trying.
Sometimes you need to be proud of yourself. Instead of looking at the mistakes you’ve made, the decisions that didn’t pan out, the jerks you dated, the moments you aren’t most proud of, you instead need to look at the choices that helped you along, the wonderful people you have met, and the moments that helped push you forward. Just remember how much you deserve and what a deserving person you are. And remember, the past is over, but the future hasn’t happened yet