Hey peeps. This is going to be a bit of a lengthy post so I hope you can bare with me. You see, ever since I went through my eating disorder (I have been fully recovered for about a year and a half to two years) there was some clothing that I kept in the back of my closet. My ‘just incase’ clothes. The clothing that, you know, if I ever choose to go into starvation mode again, there they’ll be waiting for me. Just incase. Well, the mess in my closet was starting to drive me crazy and since I am going to Mexico in two months and Spring is upon us, I wanted to make sure I took a good look at what I currently have so I don’t over shop.
I think, that also in my heart, I knew there was some clothing I just needed to get rid of. The clothing that has haunted me a little bit — staring at me each day and giving me the false hope that I can one day return to a size that was not attainable for me. There’s been a lot of changes that I’ve gone through physically over the past few months for health reasons which have also been bothering me but I’ve decided to make changes with that as well.
You see, there are times like everyone else that I feel uncomfortable with myself. Only for me, it’s a deep deep pain that I can’t get over until I cry it out to someone near and dear to me who has known me before my eating disorder, during my eating disorder, and the present-day me. There have been a lot of Stephanie’s over the past six years, and while I’ve been where I need to be for the past year and a half or so, this doesn’t mean that there aren’t times where I’m not comfortable in my own skin.
Doesn’t everyone love “Throw Back Thursday” on Instagram? I mean, I know I do. But there’s the part of me that cannot stand it because I don’t want to ‘throw back’. I don’t want to look at pictures of me from five years ago, four years ago, three years ago, or two years ago. I struggle to find a realistic image of myself to participate in this theme and I struggle to accept the person I am today.
I do know that I am a caring, nurturing, funny, sarcastic, and out going individual. But I also know, that like many others, I am insecure, frustrated, annoyed, and plain scared. Giving away my ‘old me’ clothes was completely and utterly painful. It tore a hole in my heart and made me re-live a time where I was afraid of the day that I wouldn’t be able to fit into these clothes. That day had finally arrived. Dresses, sweaters, shirts. Curves that didn’t fit certain places. Boobs popping out of God knows what. Hips that certainly did not lie. I was fucking miserable.
We all joke about how our twenty’s can be really tough. This, my friends, is absolutely true. I feel really lost sometimes. I feel like I’m searching for meaning and success. I’m searching for both fun but serious moments. I’m searching for love and independence. I want it all and I’d like it now. But things don’t happen this way.
Today was the first day in a really long time where my feelings took over me. I just went into my room, called my friend, and bursted out into tears – I literally couldn’t stop myself. I was embarrassed that my room mate and friend Brittany had to see it, but tears and feelings don’t really stop when they creep up on you. It was definitely water works central.
There are so many un-true thoughts that have been entering my head recently — all bad things about myself. It’s almost like I am telling myself that I suck. I’ve really been at fault for this lately and I want it to stop and go away. I want to feel confident, loved, sexy, and brave. But when I got rid of some of my clothes, I felt anything but that. I felt ashamed, low, and like a failure. All those years later, the years that I was afraid to give those clothes away actually came. I had to face my deepest demon again in the face — I had to throw it out and tell it to go away.
The point is is that my weight will always be my underlying issue. Even if I look like any average person walking down the street, which I believe I do today, I’ll still feel a pang of uncertainty. I could get plenty of compliments on my body, and yet I will still try to push it to a place where I want it to be. I can’t relax about it and I want to. For me, my body has subjected me to ridicule, praise, an eating disorder, and an amount of insecurity that can only be described in writing. I’m not the only one. I’m just saying it here.
As I write this, my eyes are welling up with tears. I am thinking about my ideal world where one day I can live freely of the demons in my head about my body. Where I won’t make that big of a deal about it. Where I won’t have those once in a while break downs that take more energy than are needed. I know I sound insane here. I’m not. I’m honest. I’m just trying to overcome the daily issues most women in general face and since I write this blog and I have an awesome amount of followers, I want to keep my word and be honest.
I’ve grasped that this is my issue. It’s the issue for so many of us. It’s something I deal with each morning I wake up, each night before I go to bed. I think about what I ate for the day. I hope to make it to the gym the next morning. I hope to wake up and have the body I dream of. But the body that I dreamed of five years ago that I finally got led to more years of destruction than I care to describe.
I hope that one day – one day soon – I can accept myself fully. I hope that I don’t have to face my demons head on again and toss away clothing that I kept ‘just incase’ I ever got to my lowest weight again. I hope that this post opened some of your eyes and mind to someone who is being honest and truthful about what it actually is to be insecure. I hope you can all accept each other out there – flaws and all.
“And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.” – Mumford and Sons