Hey peeps. This is going to be a bit of a lengthy post so I hope you can bare with me. You see, ever since I went through my eating disorder (I have been fully recovered for about a year and a half to two years) there was some clothing that I kept in the back of my closet. My ‘just incase’ clothes. The clothing that, you know, if I ever choose to go into starvation mode again, there they’ll be waiting for me. Just incase. Well, the mess in my closet was starting to drive me crazy and since I am going to Mexico in two months and Spring is upon us, I wanted to make sure I took a good look at what I currently have so I don’t over shop.
I think, that also in my heart, I knew there was some clothing I just needed to get rid of. The clothing that has haunted me a little bit — staring at me each day and giving me the false hope that I can one day return to a size that was not attainable for me. There’s been a lot of changes that I’ve gone through physically over the past few months for health reasons which have also been bothering me but I’ve decided to make changes with that as well.
You see, there are times like everyone else that I feel uncomfortable with myself. Only for me, it’s a deep deep pain that I can’t get over until I cry it out to someone near and dear to me who has known me before my eating disorder, during my eating disorder, and the present-day me. There have been a lot of Stephanie’s over the past six years, and while I’ve been where I need to be for the past year and a half or so, this doesn’t mean that there aren’t times where I’m not comfortable in my own skin.
Doesn’t everyone love “Throw Back Thursday” on Instagram? I mean, I know I do. But there’s the part of me that cannot stand it because I don’t want to ‘throw back’. I don’t want to look at pictures of me from five years ago, four years ago, three years ago, or two years ago. I struggle to find a realistic image of myself to participate in this theme and I struggle to accept the person I am today.
I do know that I am a caring, nurturing, funny, sarcastic, and out going individual. But I also know, that like many others, I am insecure, frustrated, annoyed, and plain scared. Giving away my ‘old me’ clothes was completely and utterly painful. It tore a hole in my heart and made me re-live a time where I was afraid of the day that I wouldn’t be able to fit into these clothes. That day had finally arrived. Dresses, sweaters, shirts. Curves that didn’t fit certain places. Boobs popping out of God knows what. Hips that certainly did not lie. I was fucking miserable.
We all joke about how our twenty’s can be really tough. This, my friends, is absolutely true. I feel really lost sometimes. I feel like I’m searching for meaning and success. I’m searching for both fun but serious moments. I’m searching for love and independence. I want it all and I’d like it now. But things don’t happen this way.
Today was the first day in a really long time where my feelings took over me. I just went into my room, called my friend, and bursted out into tears – I literally couldn’t stop myself. I was embarrassed that my room mate and friend Brittany had to see it, but tears and feelings don’t really stop when they creep up on you. It was definitely water works central.
There are so many un-true thoughts that have been entering my head recently — all bad things about myself. It’s almost like I am telling myself that I suck. I’ve really been at fault for this lately and I want it to stop and go away. I want to feel confident, loved, sexy, and brave. But when I got rid of some of my clothes, I felt anything but that. I felt ashamed, low, and like a failure. All those years later, the years that I was afraid to give those clothes away actually came. I had to face my deepest demon again in the face — I had to throw it out and tell it to go away.
The point is is that my weight will always be my underlying issue. Even if I look like any average person walking down the street, which I believe I do today, I’ll still feel a pang of uncertainty. I could get plenty of compliments on my body, and yet I will still try to push it to a place where I want it to be. I can’t relax about it and I want to. For me, my body has subjected me to ridicule, praise, an eating disorder, and an amount of insecurity that can only be described in writing. I’m not the only one. I’m just saying it here.
As I write this, my eyes are welling up with tears. I am thinking about my ideal world where one day I can live freely of the demons in my head about my body. Where I won’t make that big of a deal about it. Where I won’t have those once in a while break downs that take more energy than are needed. I know I sound insane here. I’m not. I’m honest. I’m just trying to overcome the daily issues most women in general face and since I write this blog and I have an awesome amount of followers, I want to keep my word and be honest.
I’ve grasped that this is my issue. It’s the issue for so many of us. It’s something I deal with each morning I wake up, each night before I go to bed. I think about what I ate for the day. I hope to make it to the gym the next morning. I hope to wake up and have the body I dream of. But the body that I dreamed of five years ago that I finally got led to more years of destruction than I care to describe.
I hope that one day – one day soon – I can accept myself fully. I hope that I don’t have to face my demons head on again and toss away clothing that I kept ‘just incase’ I ever got to my lowest weight again. I hope that this post opened some of your eyes and mind to someone who is being honest and truthful about what it actually is to be insecure. I hope you can all accept each other out there – flaws and all.
“And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.” – Mumford and Sons
Steph
this, wow just wow. I give you so much credit for putting it all out there but more so I can relate so much. Those clothes in the back of your closet that you know just need to be tossed, those throwback photos that you secretly hate but secretly see a thinner body, those thoughts that seem to haunt you. I wish I had some answer to this, i wish after, like you, two years in recovery I could say my body issues have disappeared but I know that is a lie. I think one thing I was always told was that body issues would be that underlying issue that would take more time to heal from. I have that similar voice that asks me when I see those pictures ‘remember that control’, ‘what have you gotten to’. I know I don’t want to be back in that dark place but I wish i felt more comfortable in the healed body I was in.
wow sorry to ramble I could just relate so freaking much to this post.
Alex @ therunwithin recently posted..Dear dumbbell, it’s me Alex.
Alex you can ramble here anytime you want! I know that there are so many out there who can relate to this touchy almost-taboo topic. There’s a bunch of fear and relief that comes with throwing away our old clothes and being honest about who we are. I’m cheering you on!
Stephanie,
This is such a poignant post and I LOVE that you are breaking the silence about it. I too, have struggled with body image issues, and subjected myself to a period of near starvation. I was able to come out of this, and in the last 6-8 months I have finally put into practice what I knew was necessary. I’ve put on at least 20 or so pounds (I’ve only seen scales in doctor’s offices in the last year) and have come to a much better place in life. I am happier, and I have rediscovered how great of a part food plays in life. I love going out to eat and getting FroYo with friends now, as this used to cause me huge stresses. Heck, truth be told, my new apartment being within .25 miles of a FroYo joint probably had a lot to do with the new pounds I’ve put on. I am so proud of where I have come(as you should be as well- you look beautiful inside and out!), but there are definitely days where I look back at pictures of me at a low weight and don’t know whether to feel ashamed or whether I wish I could still fit into those jeans. Somedays, I feel guilty that I eat too much and work out too little. But truth be told, I eat fairly well, which is good enough, and as a Chemical/Biomedical Engineering/Premed college student (yea… I don’t know what I want to do with my life so I picked it all), I think finding the time to go to the gym twice a month is a feat in itself! I guess my point with all of this is that I hope you realize that you are not alone, and that everyone WILL face the demons from time to time. This isn’t a sign of weakness, but yet another turning point in our lives to allow us to prove what strong women we are, and what great future lie ahead.
Hope this helps some! Once again, greatly written post!
Savannah recently posted..Taking a Blog Break
Savannah I am so glad this post was able to speak to you! Going through an eating disorder is something that takes years and years of work and always seems to be unfinished business. My hope is to be able to keep getting through hurdles one and a time and put them behind me. Moving forward is really the only choice. I cheers my froyo to you for all of your academic and personal accomplishments. I hope you wake up proud of yourself each and every day!
The only thing I can say right now is thank you, love. Thank you for being so honest and open. Thank you for laying it all out there. You are one of the bravest and most inspirational ladies I’ve had the pleasure to find here in the blogging world and offer me so much hope for how life can be if I keep pushing, breaking down those ED barriers and finding myself again. And this post doesn’t change that in the slightest…if anything it shows how strong you really are and how far you’ve come because guess what? It was hard and sucky and brought up tons of painful memories, but at the end of the day, you got rid of those clothes that aren’t you. You did it. You made the choice and acted on it. That’s huge, love. And you’re not alone in any of this. I’ve had a similar weekend with old memories and feelings and thought patterns coming back…it sucks and I hate it, but I’m fighting it and not giving in, which is huge for me. Looks like we’ve both had big weekends…painful and sucky, for sure…but growing and big nonetheless
Caitlin recently posted..A New Strength
Painful and sucky yet growing and big was the best way you could describe it! I am so glad that I was able to maybe break down a bit of a barrier and/or a stigma in regard to speaking to such a sensitive topic. We all have majorly over-whelming fears and I am here to talk about them in the most honest of ways. Thank you for reading my blog, Caitlin!! And thank you for treating yourself WELL!
Steph,
This post is truely amazing and inspiring. You are one of the strongest people I know. The fact that you can openly and unbiasedly talk about your feelings is something most people cannot do. Everyone has moments that break them down and tear them apart. It is part of life and we will always be confronted with moments like these. Nobody is perfect how much they might try . I think knowing and accepting that we all face challenging times is comforting in itself.
Anlee thank you so much for this comment. You are one of those friends who has known me through everything and it truly means so much to me. Confronting my issues but being open and writing it here in my space has been helpful for me, and hopefully helpful for others. I do hope this blog opens up people’s eyes to eating disorders, insecurity, and trying to live a ‘normal’ life. You are such a fantastic friend! I love you!
So, I found this through Alex’s post and have to say I can relate to each and every part of this. It’s hard to have these feelings and thoughts and to compare myself to others. I can’t get it out of my head and even when talking to my mom, I feel abnormal and it hurts and I never know how to push it aside and just have fun and stop seeing what others are doing and focus on ME.
Thank you for sharing and I hope you have a WONDERFUL day
You deserve it!
Kaitlin recently posted..Hissssssss It’s the Year of the Snake
I think your priority should be to try to NOT compare yourself to others. That’s what is going to bring you down. Only think about and concentrate on yourself! Thank you for following and I hope you have a wonderful day, too!
I just came across your blog through alex and was close to tears with this post. I can relate to this 100%. I no the clothes you are talking about that I been planning to do a post on how I threw them out, but i just can’t. I feel 100% better and though I have only been in recovery for alittle, with other things like stopping the scale obsession and little things here and there has been over a year. But it doesn’t matter how much time has passed just about how I feel. I still struggle with those body issues and still have those “bad” days with food because I ate a food that wasnt considered safe. I hope one day we get through this. I cant wait to continue reading and hope you find peace with yourself you so much deserve!
kaity @ kaityscooking recently posted..sunday not that much of a funday
Hi, Kaity! I know exactly where you are at because there was once a time when I struggled with breaking my ‘bad’ habits – weighing myself constantly, working out excessively, etc… all of these things do not make up a fun, healthy life. A nice walk, a little frozen yogurt, a beer with friends – THAT’s the fun stuff. I hope you continue down the path to recovery – it will be worth it.
Steph you are a beautiful girl inside and out! Life should simply be about enjoying everything. Everyone has an image that they want to look like and yes it comes with hard work and strict eating but it’s also NOT fun. Live your life, enjoy being you – We enjoy you!
alyssa – life a la wife recently posted..January Birchbox Review
Thank you for such a nice comment Alyssa! I think that in the back of my mind I hope to get back to an ‘image’ I always felt was ideal for me — but it’s so not realistic — and that’s what makes me stay away from it.
Alex steered me in the direction of this post and I’m so glad she did. I can relate on so many levels. I am no longer at that scary low weight that has to be physically monitored but the thoughts are still there and they suck, I just am never happy with myself and keeping the clothes that are small is definitely like that security blanket, I can so relate. Whenever I buy jeans right now if they are even slightly too tight I think to myself, well you should buy these, it’ll motivate you to fit into them. REALLY?! I am not saying these thoughts are ME but they are in my mind and they are popping up and trying to get me to give myself that comforting cushion that on the surface an ED supplies. But then I eitehr just don’t buy any jeans or I buy one size up, because really, who buys pants that don’t fit her unless she is planning to change, and why should I plan to change for the unhealthier? Well now I’m just rambling on your post but just t hank you for this, I can relate on so many levels and have been so down on myself lately despite teh fact that I haven’t been acting out ED behaviors, I’m having the thoughts all right. I hope that one day you and I can both effortlessly give ourselves the love we deserve.
Caitlin recently posted..Millwright’s Tavern Tuesdays!
Caitlin I totally understand where you are coming from and I am happy to hear that you aren’t giving into those negative thoughts. That negative voice was probably what began your cycle into an ED and each time you hear it, you need to shake your head and think about something completely different. Something that makes you happy and that you look forward to. Thanks for stopping by my blog!
Steph, I just got around to reading this. I know that I have never gone through the exact same things as you (everyone’s story is different anyway!) but I can only imagine how tough that must be. I think we all hold on to things that remind us of what we were, and sometimes these things may help us to feel secure. I can only imagine how overwhelming it must have been to kind of remind yourself why those clothes are there. But you are SO strong now. I know I haven’t followed your whole journey, but I love following you now, and you seem to allow yourself to be freer and happier.
Nikki recently posted..How To Creatively Store Headbands
I really like what you said, that we hold onto things that remind us who we were. Those are sometimes the most difficult memories to escape from – however, it should be in our minds to think about how we ARE. And to think about the things we have accomplished and where we are today.
This was such a beautiful post. Can I just say right off the bat that the fact that you were able to get this real about this deep seated pain and the demons you face on a regular basis absolutely says that you are so on track not only to one day shedding these insecurities, but also healing from the havoc that we as women uncontrollably wreck on our mental/emotional well being. Whether or not he or she admits it, everyone feels this way at some point in time, and you opening up like this must have rung very true to everyone who has read this post. While I haven’t struggled with an eating disorder, I’ve had battles with anxiety for years and I know how it feels to have toxic thoughts eating you alive. Just know that there is a better way, and there will come a day that you’ll be able to fully release this, but until then I think you are doing just fine
P.S. two wonderful books that have really helped are “Spirit Junkie” and “Add More Ing to Your Life” both by Gabrielle Bernstein, you should check them out.
Emma thank you for such a touching comment! It sincerely made my day. When you say that we as women wreck havoc on ourselves, I truly believe you are absolutely right. I wanted to be someone to talk about a topic that seems a little taboo or embarrassing here on the blog because I know I am not the only one who suffers from anxiety or being self-conscious. I’m so glad you are in a place where your anxiety doesn’t over-whelm your happiness because you deserve every bit of happiness. Thank you for those book suggestions! I am going to look into both!