Guys! I completely forgot but as of last Thursday, I have officially been blogging for two years. TWO YEARS. I legitimately remember the first post I published, where I was, and how I was feeling prior to publishing that post. Truth be told, when I published that first post, I was definitely in a much better place prior to having started up StephSnacks, but I wasn’t where I am NOW. I have changed so much in two years, that I don’t even feel like the same person. Innately, I have the same sort of silly personality and dare I say charm — but there is so much about me physically and mentally that has changed over two years that has evolved into a place of content and acceptance.
I have changed the style of StephSnacks, the content of the blog, and have found my voice over the past two years. It’s not so easy to find your ‘writing voice’ and sometimes when I look back on those posts from two years ago, I laugh. I don’t laugh because of grammatical errors or anything like that, but it’s funny to see how much more truthful, blunt, and opinionated I am now versus when I was blogging in the Spring of 2011. A lot has happened that you have witnessed on this blog — moving to NYC, traveling to Milan for work, going to Aruba and Mexico, being very honest and very open about the eating disorder I went through, going out in NYC, and celebrating bridal showers, weddings, and the like. You’ve all been there every step of the way. And I am more appreciative than you probably know.
There has been the occasional thought that has crossed my mind of whether I want to keep the blog going anymore, if anyone is really even interested in my life (because it’s like everyone elses’ — boring sometimes, exciting at others), am I really helping anyone, am I really making a difference, an impact? Truth be told, I have made a difference in MY life with this blog — whether I realize or not.
I had the intentions of going into this blog trying to make it as big as possible – make it into something where everyone knew ‘StephSnacks’. My intentions were maybe wrong, and the reality of what the blog is is probably right. StephSnacks is a blog where I can show you the day to day realities of my life — the good and the bad, the fun I have in NYC, and the ways in which I grab bits and pieces of health into my every day chaotic, funny, and challenging lifestyle. We all struggle — I’m just not afraid to show you when I am or why I am.
Most importantly, my most favorite posts are those where I basically pour my heart out to you guys about what I went through during my ED. I felt like I owed these explanations and answers first and foremost to those around me. Like I said, when you have an ED, you think you’re fooling the world. You think no one knows that you only eat a certain amount a day, that you exercise to the point of exhaustion, and that your life is falling apart. I was so jaded and clouded during that time, that I literally thought I was fooling people — even when I had friends and family coming at me from every angle to see if I was okay. I basically didn’t give a shit and didn’t want to accept help from anyone.
I think, for this reason, is why I can never let go of StephSnacks — at least not right now. I feel like the honesty and truth I bring to the table is sometimes better than the honesty and truth you see out there (not to toot my own horn). I’m honest about the little nuances of what I went through, the dramatics of how it changed my life in terms of friends and family, how I feel present day, and how I had to let all of that go in order to move forward. It’s very difficult for people who haven’t been through an eating disorder to understand how it takes place and how it ferments and keeps going. I really wanted to make people understand how it can happen, why it happens, how it feels, and how it can get better. I felt and feel like maybe I can help.
The whole eating disorder was incredibly painful for my family – both immediate and extended – but I think that maybe it was the most difficult for my dad, I’m not sure. Maybe I’m assuming. But I think because he was a guy who loves to eat Doritos and drink martini’s, he couldn’t understand what the hell was happening. What did they do wrong? How did I get to such a low point? It is difficult for men to understand how much a woman scrutinizes herself and her body — so much so that she doesn’t even want to be who she is anymore. That’s what happened to me. I didn’t want to be me; I hated me.
The main outlets of confessions of eating disorders I have seen are basically those of celebrities. I do think what these people go through are real and the situation is traumatic — but they’re not the general public. They don’t have to face the day to day scrutiny from classmates or best friends, and they are able to afford to go to a clinic where they can get help 24/7. This wasn’t how it was for me because financially, I couldn’t go to an in-patient program. It must be harder on celebrities being that they are in the spotlight, but I wanted to tell my story from my point of view — from a girl who grew up in the suburbs, surrounded by a loving family and fabulous friends and had the whole world going for her. My eating disorder caught everyone, including myself, by surprise. How does the girl who seemingly has it all wind up with nothing? How does that happen?
I feel very far removed from my eating disorder past. I have no symptoms, no re-occurring insecurities, and I don’t fall into the trap of depriving myself. The years of getting better were long, exhausting, frustrating, and down right depressing. But I feel there has been a light at the end of that tunnel – which I think I have kind of found. It’s basically right now. I’m living my life, documenting it in true ways, experiencing happiness and triumphs, the pitfalls and how to deal with them — just living a ‘normal’ life of a girl in the city. I wasn’t sure that I would ever get back to this place – even when I started StephSnacks. I knew I’d move to the city, try to achieve my career
dreams, hope to meet an amazing guy, and lead the life I imagined. I’ve started doing all of that in the past year – and it’s a very nice, refreshing feeling.
So, when all is said and done, thank you for listening, reading, and participating with me throughout this journey. I have been humbled and astounded at the responses I have received. Here’s to another two years